Willed Illusions
by bttrflynreverse
Summary: A story told using vignettes. It is set after the end of the first season of VM and follows Veronica’s life as she finishes high school, goes to college, and eventually sets out on her own. Starts out Duncan/Veronica, brief Weevil/Veronica, Logan/Veronica
1. My Shining Knight

**Author's Note: **I was going through old stuff that I had written and saw this story that I started and never finished. It is set after the first season of Veronica Mars when Veronica opened the door and we didn't know who it was but she did, and it is almost completely done. I thought I would post it, as someone might see it and like it. I told the story using vignettes. I should be able to post it pretty fast because, like I said, nearly the entire story is already written. That being said, on to the story.

**Willed Illusions**

She puts a lot of effort into keeping it together, her willed illusion of comfort and stability, the words flowing from left to right, the routines of love; but underneath is darkness. Menace, chaos, cities aflame, towers crashing down, the anarchy of deep water.  
--Margaret Atwood

If our lives are indeed the sum total of the choices we've made, then we cannot change who we are. However, with every new choice we are given, we can change who we are going to be.  
--from _The Outer Limits_ (1995)

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**One**

"My Shining Knight"

_We'll make the same mistakes  
__I'll take the fall for you  
__I hope you need this now  
__'Cause I know I still do  
_--from "Until the Day I Die" by Story of the Year

**************

"I was hoping it would be you."

Just like that and Duncan was back in my life.

"Come in."

"Thanks."


	2. The Harsh Light of Day

**Two**

"The Harsh Light of Day"

_…and all our sins come back to haunt us in the end  
To hang around and tap us on the shoulder; and smile, silent  
It's all implied; You'll die trying to live this down  
You might as well forget it  
_--from "Mistakes We Know We're Making" by Straylight Run

*******

The fairy tale lasted less than three hours. That's when Sheriff Lamb called to tell me that Logan had been hospitalized because he'd been beaten to a bloody pulp and dumped on the side of the road. Not at all good news. I knew that Weevil was more than likely responsible, which meant that I was partly responsible. As if I didn't already feel bad enough.

The phone jarred me from sleep at exactly 5:52 a.m. "Hello," I managed to get out in a sleep-roughened voice.

"Hey, this is Sheriff Lamb," came the Sheriff's annoying, know-it-all voice. "Just thought, you know, since you're dating and all, you might want to know that the guy you accused of murder is in the hospital."

That woke me up. "Logan?" I asked with urgency. "What happened?"

The sheriff seemed to be enjoying himself. "He was found on the side of the road. He had been beaten pretty badly. Call came in not long after we locked his father up. He had obviously been dumped there because we found his car and lots of blood on a bridge not far from where we found him. His parents are listed as his next of kin, but since his dad is indisposed and his mother offed herself, I didn't know who else to call. He wasted his one call on you earlier, so I thought you were as good a candidate as any."

I was dressing before I hung up the phone. When I got done, I went to wake Duncan.

"Duncan," I said while shaking him.

"What?" he replied, half-asleep. Then, "You're couch leaves something to be desired. Definitely not the best place I've ever slept."

"I remember you and Logan passing out on the beach and waking covered in sand and various sea creatures, so I'm gonna take a gander that it's not the worst place you've ever slept, either," I replied, before trying again. "Duncan, we have to go."

He was still not entirely awake as he asked, "Go where?"

"Sheriff Lamb just called. Logan's in the hospital," I said, hoping to jar him into action. "I need you to go make sure he's okay because I have something that I need to do. I don't want him to find out about his dad from Sheriff Lamb, but I really need to do this."

The flash of jealousy on Duncan's face didn't go unnoticed, but it wasn't exactly the time to deal with it. Duncan is Logan's best friend. Whatever else was going on would have to wait. Duncan seemed to understand that, too, because he got up and started getting ready in record time. As I rushed Duncan out of the house, I realized that things were about to get really complicated. First things first, though, I had a bad boy biker to track down.


	3. Fortune's Fool

**Three**

"Fortune's Fool"

_It seems like every day's the same  
And I'm left to discover on my own  
It seems like everything is gray  
And there's no color to behold  
They say it's over and I'm fine again, yeah  
Try to stay sober feels like I'm dying here_  
--from "Fine Again" by Seether

**********

"Hey, man, how are you feeling?" Duncan asked.

"Like I just got assaulted by a Latino biker gang, and you?" Logan replied.

"So Weevil did this?" Duncan wondered.

"Something like that," Logan answered.

"I guess that's where Veronica went off to in such a hurry," Duncan muttered to himself.

"What does Veronica have to do with anything?" Logan defensively asked.

"Sheriff Lamb called her and told her what happened. She figured you wouldn't want to see her so she sent me and, I suppose, went to go find Weevil," Duncan explained.

"That son of a bitch. He had no right. Why wouldn't he just call my dad?" Logan asked, obviously getting angry. "So ol' Ronnie sicked Weevil on me and now she's going to clean up her mess. That bitch."

"Man, it wasn't like that," Duncan began to protest.

"You would defend her. But tell me, Duncan, how did she know that Weevil had anything to do with anything if she has nothing to do with it?" Logan reasoned.

"I don't know, but…" Duncan started to answer before Logan cut him off.

"I guess she no longer thinks I killed Lilly. I guess that's supposed to count for something," Logan continued, not really talking to Duncan anymore.

Duncan cut into Logan's rambling and steered the conversation back to the matter at hand, "Logan, listen to me. You may be pissed with Veronica, but she does care for you. I can guarantee that she didn't know that you were going to get hurt tonight. I know that this is a bad time for you, but it is about to get worse. There is something I have to tell you because I don't want that jerk of a sheriff to be the one to break the news."

That got Logan's attention, and he asked, "Duncan, what are you talking about?"

"It has been a long night for me. My parents got arrested; Lilly's real killer was arrested. I don't know how to tell you this, Logan. I guess I should just say it. Your dad killed Lilly," Duncan stammered out. Suddenly the room seemed very uncomfortable. It didn't help that all Logan was doing was looking off into space.

"Logan?" Duncan questioned quietly.

"That bastard," Logan whispered with barely contained emotion.

"It gets worse," Duncan began.

"Not right now. Just…not right now. Just let me absorb this before you tell me all the gory details," Logan requested quietly.

"Sure, man. I'll come later today when it's a decent time."


	4. My Way or the Highway

**Four**

"My Way or the Highway"

_I will forgive but I won't forget  
I hope you know  
You've lost my respect_  
--from "Blood (Empty Promises)" by Papa Roach

*********

Finding Weevil wasn't as easy as I would have expected it to be. Still, it wasn't exactly like Weevil was trying to hide. It may have taken me longer than normal to find him, but you try being at your best when it's 6 in the morning and you've had a grand total of about 3 hours of sleep. When I did find him, he didn't make it easy on me.

"What were you thinking, Weevil? Logan is in the hospital right now. You _dumped_ him on the side of the road. What if he hadn't been found in time?" The idea of keeping my voice down was completely lost on me in my anger.

"Yeah, well, at least I just dropped him on the side of the road and not off a bridge. That's what the fool deserved. Lilly didn't get off so easy," Weevil retorted with all the righteous anger he could muster.

"Maybe that's what he would have deserved if he had killed Lilly, but he didn't," I said as quietly as I could manage under the circumstances.

"Really? It seems to me that just a few short hours ago you were talking him up as the definite killer," Weevil replied, still unable to give up the idea that he had exacted vengeance.

"I was wrong. Logan didn't kill Lilly. I know he didn't. His dad did," I told him quietly.

"His dad? That doesn't make any sense. What, he didn't like her dating his son or something?" he replied.

I tried to explain. "Lilly was screwing Mr. Echolls, and she found out that he had this porn-tastic setup and was recording their meetings. I found several tapes that make that much clear. She took the tapes, and he got mad and killed her."

I joined Weevil on the step he was sitting on. We sat quietly for a few moments while he absorbed the new information.

"Logan had nothing to do with Lilly's death, even though he'll probably blame himself. The truth is his dad is a psycho."

"Yeah, well, sucks to be him. I'm sorry that I thrashed him for the wrong reason, but I ain't sorry that I thrashed him. He had it coming," Weevil said with some warmth.

"You are unbelievable."


	5. So Much for My Happy Ending

**Five**

"So Much for My Happy Ending"

_You, you called the police, you called them on me  
And I want to go anywhere but home  
I, I'm done listening, to what's wrong with me  
'Cause it goes on and on_  
--from "She Says" by Unwritten Law

***********

I went to visit Logan in the hospital a couple of days after I talked to Weevil and told him of his mistake. I don't know what I was expecting, but Logan looked…terrible. It had been just long enough for the bruising to be evident, and he was hardly recognizable.

"Logan?" I said quietly to see if he was awake and perhaps to buy myself a little more time.

"I'm beaten up. My ears still work fine," he snidely replied.

"Right. Of course," I said because I suddenly couldn't think of anything to say. I was going nowhere near anything like, 'Sorry about your dad.' Personally, I hoped that the bastard got every bit of punishment legally allowed. Logan, however, was not pulling punches.

"Heard that you've been catching up with Weevil. Did he say hi?" he asked angrily.

"Weevil thought you killed Lilly," I replied, even though I didn't want to defend him.

"Wonder where he got that idea," he said with an accusing glare.

Letting things go has never really been my strong suit. I quit tiptoeing around the subject and got mad, "Do you really want to have this conversation here? Now? He got the idea because he overheard a conversation that I had with my dad. I thought you killed Lilly because all the evidence strongly suggested that you did. You lied about your alibi. It seemed that you were trying to shift the blame to Duncan, and it was only after you found out that I was still investigating Lilly's murder that you and I began whatever that thing between us was…is…I think that on some level at least you understand why I would have thought that you might be guilty. I'm sorry that I put you through all of this. I just wanted justice for Lilly. I desperately wanted to be wrong about you, and I'm really glad that I was."

Logan got really quiet, then said with barely controlled fury, "Nice speech. You know, on some level, I do understand why it looked bad for me, but Veronica, you know, you didn't turn Duncan into the police or the Kane's. You turned in me. Me. The police didn't even have enough evidence to hold me. That means that you didn't have enough evidence to warrant holding me. And now you are defending Weevil and his gang of misfits for breaking my arm in two places and my leg in three."

"It was a misunderstanding, Logan," I began.

"Well, that makes it okay then, I guess!" he yelled.

"Of course it doesn't. I'm sorry, okay," I tearfully replied. "I'm sorry. There's nothing I can say to change how things went down. All I can do is apologize." Even knowing the ways that I justified what I'd done didn't really make me feel less guilty.

Logan had settled down a little by the time I finished. With a tired voice, he said, "Leave. Leave and don't visit me again. I know you're trying, but I just can't deal with this right now."

"Okay."

I was finally at a place where I felt I could trust people again, and Logan was probably vowing that he would never again make himself vulnerable to anyone. I wished I could do something to help him because, despite what I said to Logan about the evidence pointing to him, I felt really guilty about what I did. Maybe one day he'd be able to understand. I was so used to turning around to find a knife in my back that it was hard to just accept people at their word. It seems my philosophy of revenge was a little flawed and, ultimately left me begging Logan Echolls for forgiveness.


	6. The Real World

**Six**

"The Real World"

_1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, a.m. all alone again but I've been through all this shit before_  
--from "I'm Not Sleeping" by Counting Crows

*************

Sheriff Lamb waltzed into the room like he owned the place.

"Logan."

"Actually, that's Mr. Echolls to you," Logan replied feigning boredom.

Lamb scowled before answering, "Whatever, you little punk. Your father asked to see you."

"And? Is that all? A marathon of the crappiest show on earth starts in a few minutes, and if I have to choose between the two, it has suddenly become must-see-TV."

"I also thought that you might have remembered something else."

"Nope, nothing. It was dark, and I think I must be in shock. Post-traumatic stress and whatnot."

Frustration rolled off Lamb, but he wasn't going to push the issue. Logan was still rich and important. Both of them knew that Logan knew more than he was saying. "Right. If that poor little head of yours remembers anything, you be sure and give me a call."

"It's at the top of my list of things to do," Logan replied, without taking his eyes off the TV.

Lamb wanted a rise out of Logan, so he asked, "Is there anything you want me to tell your father? How much you love and support him? Sharing is fun? Something like that?"

Logan tensed, but maintained his pose of indifference as he replied, "I'm good, actually. But, while your out being my dad's bitch, maybe you could stop by the nurses' station and get me another blanket. Who knows, maybe that'll help jog my memory."

Sheriff Lamb's scowl deepened, but he held his tongue. And got the blanket.


	7. School's Out Forever

**Seven**

"School's Out Forever"

_Had a bad day again_  
--from "Bad Day" by Fuel

**********

It took three days before we discovered that the check was missing. By that time, Mom was long gone. This turn of events definitely didn't help my dad's recovery process, but I was the inconsolable one.

"Honey, we'll get the money back. Don't worry about it; everything will be fine," Dad insisted in an attempt to soothe me. It wasn't working. Neither one of us really believed what he was saying.

"Sure, dad," I replied. What else was there to say? The truth?

"We will," he reiterated with as much certainty as he could.

"Why can't she be a parent? Why does she always prove every bad thought about her right? She stole my college money. How could she? She's supposed to be my mother! How could she?" I raged, even though I knew that Dad didn't have any more idea than I did about why my mom felt the need to act the emotional equivalent of a teenager.

"This is not your fault, so don't start blaming yourself. Even if we don't get the money back, we will make it work. Everything will be fine," he said a little more forcefully this time.

"Of course it will be."

We'd made it for this long, and we'd continue to make it. There wasn't even a question about that.


	8. Leaning on You

**Eight**

"Leaning On You"

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.  
--Robert Frost

******

After that scene with my dad earlier in the day, I buried myself in whatever work was pending. Wallace was leaving to go to basketball camp for a week, so I had no one to vent to.

"Hey, Veronica."

I looked up, surprised. It was Wallace. "Wallace Fennell, what are you doing here?"

Wallace shrugged. "I overheard my mom talking about everything and thought you might need a friend."

"Don't you have a bus to catch?"

"Yeah, in three hours. I think I'll make it. 'Til then, I'm all yours."

I smiled. I was instantly happier. "What would I do without you?"

"No idea. Lucky for you, you met of this awesome playa before I got rich and famous. Now, when I make it to the NBA, I'll be sure and guarantee you a spot as one of my groupies."

"Ohh, you problem solver, you. This way, I won't even need college. You have all the answers."

"Don't you forget it. Seriously, though, are you alright?"

I swallowed back the tears that were suddenly threatening. "I will be. This isn't the first time that my mom has proven what an incredibly disappointing loser she is, so I have the drill for dealing almost memorized."

"Everything'll be okay, you know."

"I know," I said.

Strangely enough, I meant it.


	9. Welcome Back, Senior Class

**Nine**

"Welcome Back, Senior Class"

_Everybody wants to be seen  
Everybody's eyes are all agleam_  
--from "Holiday Man" by The Flys

*********

"Welcome back, senior class. I know that this is an exciting year for you all, but I just want to remind you not to let your dreams for the future make you forget that you must first to get through the present. With your help we can make this one of the best years ever at Neptune High…"

Principal Clemmons could make an ADD kid comatose. We endured the ra-ra speech until we could get to the real point of the first day of school: Checking everyone else out. One wardrobe misstep, and your fate was sealed. Oh, who am I kidding, all eyes were peeled and waiting for a glimpse of Logan. There's nothing like a juicy, murderous scandal to start the year off right.

Duncan was not too much farther down on the radar. His parents were arrested, and Logan is his best friend. I would have felt sorry for the guys if I weren't suddenly under so much scrutiny myself.

"Hey, Veronica." Luckily it was Duncan and not some overzealous freshman.

"Oh, hey, Duncan," I replied, somewhat awkwardly. It was awkward because I hadn't seen him since that morning I sent him to the hospital to see Logan.

"How was your summer?" he asked. Seems we were both aware of how awkward this was.

"Well, it definitely wasn't the best summer ever. You were there for the beginning. It only got worse." This was good. This was chummy. Then I spotted Logan watching me…us…instead of the vapid airhead trying to make time with him. He looked away when he realized that I noticed him.

"Veronica?" Duncan prompted.

I jerked my head around, trying to keep the look of, I don't know, guilt, I guess, off of my face. "What were you saying? Sorry, my head's just not here today. I can't believe school's already starting again."

Duncan smiled that sweet smile of his. "I know what you mean."

We kept up the small talk for a few more minutes. When I turned to go to my first class, Logan was gone. Complicated life, here I come.


	10. The State of Being

**Ten**

"The State of Being"

_He fills the room like champagne  
Into an empty glass  
As they slither to him like snakes  
Through the grass  
His stance is quiet with grace  
Before they throw him  
Into the rat race  
And he turns to me to say  
I'm a lonely boy  
Even with the life, I asked for_  
--from "Lonely Boy" by Leona Naess

**********

You might think that the revelation that his father murdered one of our classmates would have made Logan less popular. You'd be wrong. I could tell he was unhappy, but what was I supposed to do about it? He seemed to be handling everything pretty well, all things considered. When Lilly had died, he began to act out. Now, he was just really quiet. Almost broken. It was a little worrisome.

I ran into Logan a few times in the hall during the first term of school. It was mainly awkward.

Apparently, today was one of those days when I Logan and I were meant to cross paths. I looked up, and there he was.

"Logan. Hey," I said, startled. I was still at a loss as to what to say to him. This wasn't like when Duncan broke up with me. In this relationship, I was the reason we weren't together, and I still felt guilty about that.

"Hello, Ronnie. How are things?" He was talking to me, but I could tell he was looking for a way out of the conversation.

"Umm, alright, I guess. Well, better get to class." Did I mention that Logan makes me feel like a tongue-tied dork sometimes?

It didn't matter, anyway. Several girls became aware of Logan's presence, and they swarmed around him to 'see how you're doing.' I saw him roll his eyes the slightest bit before speaking to them.

Again, what was I supposed to do about it?


	11. Return to Love

**Eleven**

"Return to Love"

_I want to get on top of this  
I want to build that trust again  
And if I give it all I got  
Well, I'm sure you'd do the same_  
--from "For the Movies" by Buckcherry

****************

Duncan ambushed me one day as I was walking to class.

"Veronica, do you have a minute?" he wondered.

I stopped walking and turned to him. "Sure, what's up?"

He fidgeted with the notebook he was carrying. "We've had this really awkward relationship ever since school started."

"Understatement, continue."

He was looking at his feet now. "I hate feeling like things are still so unfinished between us," he said. He looked up and caught my eye. "I still love you, and I was hoping maybe you felt the same."

"Duncan, I…"

"Think about it and get back to me."

"I…I don't have to. Pick me on Saturday."

He seemed surprised by my answer and unsure of how to reply. "Oh. Umm, good. Saturday it is."

"Great. I'll see you then."

"See you then."

All I could think was that 'oh god, I am dating Duncan.' I knew then and there that this wasn't going to be pretty. Love never really makes sense, though, does it?


	12. Return of the Snark

**Twelve**

"Return of the Snark"

_I know you fucked him again  
Can you comfort yourself  
With a sense of revenge?  
Are you leaving me here  
With the taste of the end?  
_--from "Obvious" by Blink 182

**************

"Have you seen Duncan?"

I had just finished making out with Duncan by the football field, so I was a little thrown by Logan's question.

"No," I replied. Well, at least that's what I meant to say. It ended up sounding more like, "Uh…no?"

It didn't help that at that moment Duncan walked by and hugged me to him.

"Did you hear the news?" he asked Logan. He was practically glowing. "Veronica and I are dating."

Logan never took his eyes off of me. "Well, isn't that special?" he asked sarcastically.

He walked away without another word. I let him, telling myself all the while that I didn't care one iota about Logan Echolls.


End file.
